“And now we welcome the new year. Full of things that have never been.”
~Rainer Maria Rilke
The Holiday Season has officially come to a close, and I couldn’t be more grateful. Don’t get me wrong, I usually love this time year, and I still do. I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family; an intimate Christmas at home with my husband; and a New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day filled with so many of our friends.
Even with all of that love and joy, I am ready for it to be over.
I have realized that it’s incredibly difficult to be a childless mother this time of year.
You read that correctly: A childless mother.
No, I don’t mean a childless woman.
Lots of incredible, amazing, badass women I know have chosen to not have children. And I think that’s awesome, if it’s the right choice for them.
For me, I’ve been maternal for most of my life. I am a caregiver. I love to take care of others; to help them when they are sick; to soothe them when they are sad; to carry them when they are weak.
I have always loved the holiday season, and have probably over celebrated Christmas because of the joy and happiness it embodies.
But after years of trying to get pregnant, the season of hope has weighed me down. I am still broken and empty as ever…because I am still childless.
Amazingly, I find that I do still have hope. Maybe my surgery gave me more of that. The news that I am not quite fully stage two endometriosis has been helpful…it could have been so much worse.
My husband and I spent this Christmas alone together, and we were both happy for the lazy time we shared together as husband and wife…with the hope that this will be our last Christmas holiday as a family of two.
I am actually very thankful for the little family I have found from this blog. You all have helped me so much during my struggle, and I am so grateful for your kind words, love, and support. I hope to be there for you all as well, which is why I always try to respond to your comments.
This terrible reality we all share…the infertility life of we childless mothers consumes much of my existence. I support you. I care for you. I wish everyday for nothing but stories of conception, succesful pregnancies, and live births.
I hope you all had a very Happy Holiday!
Even more so, I wish a fruitful and fertile New Year to all of us.