“Helplessness is such a rotten feeling. There’s nothing you can do about it. Being helpless is like being paralyzed. It’s sickness. The cure calls for a monumental effort to stand up and start walking somewhere, anywhere. But that takes some doing.”
~Chuck Barris

 
I started my period today. 

I’m not okay. 

We had our second round of IUI two weeks ago, and I had really convinced myself that it worked. I’ll go into more detail as to why I thought this was the cycle, as I finish sharing our infertility story, but for now this is what I will say:

It didn’t work. 

I didn’t expect it, but I had a bit of a break down after I found out I wasn’t pregnant. 

I started sobbing, uncontrollably. I was at work. 

I went home.

I hate that I went home because of this, but I couldn’t hold myself together. I would have been useless anyway. 

My managers know what we are struggling with. Everyone has been super supportive of our pain. It’s helpful to know that we have that kind of love at my job. 

I’m home now, and I am having some wine with my husband as we discuss our options. Our doctor doesn’t want to do more than one more round of IUI, so we have to decide the next step. 

I don’t know what to do, and I’m not okay.

~S